Locker Room Physics

What is Locker Room Physics? 

Locker Room Physics is the title I chose to describe methods used to train-or force- boys  into playing traditional male roles.  These roles have been long studied and are now understood by large numbers of men and women. Some call being in the male role "being macho" or  having a "masculine mindset".  Most men feel pressured to play out various aspects of this role. These are the mechanisms that help to create "macho or the masculine mindset".  I call the systematic use of these mechanisms Locker Room Physics.

 The Masculine Mindset

·        power/control/strength

·        hierarchy/prestige

·        independence-denial of dependence

·        control of emotions

·        safety basic survival

Within this mindset, boys are forced to relinquish their vulnerability.  At a conscious level, dependence on other people must be given up. But in order to have healthy relationships, a person must know that they need people. It goes without saying that, for so many reasons, we need people in our lives. But for men, dependency related needs cannot co-exist with the requirement to be independent.  To be a lone ranger.  To be your own man.  A man doesn't need anyone.  Let alone needing a man.  Needing is weak.  What happens to the average male-and I mean just about everyone I know, these needs or dependencies must be denied.  But because we really have needs, these needs will eventually be acted-out. The acting-out can be seen in the form of aggression and/or addiction.

Boys are forced to give up essential qualities of being human.  Some of these qualities are spontaneity, passion, zest, softness, lovingness. This is Locker Room Physics.

Assumptions of Locker Room Physics

•         If you hurt, you must be weak.

•         You are weak if you show hurt.

•         If you are weak, you fear being hurt.

•         If you fear, it means you are weak.

Locker Room Physics is ongoing trauma and leaves an indelible mark on the individual. The lessons learned are; don't trust, don't share, and hide from everyone. 

However, men in recovery must learn to depend on each other.  This is an initial problem in recovery. When men fail to gain recovery, it can often be understood as a failure to form effective (i.e. loving) connections with other men.  If there is a failure to bond with other men, the addict cannot feel they belong to the fellowship.  There is no recovery without belonging to the fellowship. 

The work in therapy must always attend to the challenges/difficulties in forming deep connections.  It takes years of work to build deeper connections.  The work of building trust creates the safety required to be a real self.

 

Locker Room Physics

Being friends with men has been hard.  Hard in ways that have not been
true when connecting with women.

Since sixth grade, I have had good male "buddies".  But when I needed
to share deeper feelings, it would be with a woman.  With men, sharing
feelings, being vulnerable, is almost always something of an upward
hill battle.  And too often, when there is difficulty within a male-to-male
friendship, both parties fail to resolve the problem.  Relationships break
apart, with nothing said or communicated about the breakup.

It's happened to me and others.

This "men's issue" experience has been discussed for years. There have
been consciousness raising groups (the so-called men's movement) since
mid to late 70's.  Charlie Kriener led magnificent men's workshops for
the Re-Evaluation Co-Counseling communities in the late 70's and early
80's. Robert Bly wrote eloquently in IRON JOHN about men and deep
wounding.  Terrance Real addressed unrecognized depression, isolation
and lack of soul full communication in I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT.

Yet it remains hard to make meaningful connections with other humans.
We may fail to speak the full truth about ourselves and our experience.
False pride keeps us stuck within an acceptable persona.  This has been
true for me...and, I'm learning, for many others.  We may not even know
that we are doing this.

At Kavod, I have been leading men's groups for years.  I need to talk with
you about what I see and have been learning.  Working with the disease
of addiction gives me the chance to know about deep falsehood.  There
is plenty of work remaining for men to do.  This is long term inner work.
Looking and knowing within.

BTW, I've had a writer's block for the past hundred years.  Each week, I
intend to write something in this blog.  Bare with me as I thaw out from this
long term freeze.

If you want to share here,  email me at dmorris@rpa.net.  I will decide
what goes into this blog.  Please be tolerant if your entry doesn't show up
in LOCKER ROOM PHYSICS.  Thank you.

Welcome to Kavod

The Kavod program is based on Patrick Carnes PhD’s task centered approach to addiction treatment. The task centered approach provides daily structure in the form recovery tasks that are performed by the sex addict. The intention is to create a “deep focus” on recovery. Our program for the addict consists of thirty tasks. 
 
The first seven tasks are;

1. Break through denial
2. Understand the nature of addictive illness
3. Surrender to process
4. Limit damage from behavior
5. Establish sobriety
6. Ensure physical integrity
7. Participate in a culture of support

Sex addiction is traumatic for all family members. It is essential to help the family address the distressing effects of sex addiction and to partake in recovery. The entire family needs care and attention. Our program, therefore, is also designed to address the needs of the family.
 

Typical Problems We Treat:
 

·         Serial infidelity and adultery

·         Addictive use of online porn and social networks

·         Compulsive masturbation

·         Love and relationship addiction

·         Anonymous sexual hook-ups

·         Prostitutes and sexual massage

·         Workplace sexual boundary violations

·         Use of child pornography

Our Services Include:
 

·         Evaluation

·         Cognitive Behavioral Approach

·         Group and Individual Therapy

·         EMDR: Trauma Treatment

·         12-step support

·         Psycho-Educational Groups

.    Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program 

.    Couples Workshops